Sometimes there are days, weeks, months and even years where Satan just really enjoys attacking you, your family and your ministry. Let me just say that it is no fun being up against spiritual warfare. As a Christian it is by far the HARDEST thing to fight against. When anything good is going on in your life that’s Satan’s cue to end all the happiness that you and your husband were ever going to face.
December 2012: We were able to look forward to start a savings account since David’s ministry was going full time and he was being put on payroll. As a college student and newly wed the sense of security in money was a HUGE deal for us. Imagine, having the same amount of money show up in your bank account monthly? It was a dream. And an exciting dream. A dream of being able to pay off my school debt, a dream of buying our first big purchase item, a dream of saving up for a house. December was a good month for us.
January 2013: Two weeks into this month we were hit with some bad news: my dad was being let go from his job. Not only that he was being let go but that we were going to have to take care of a HUGE car payment. You can try to understand my sense of frustration with this. Mind you, my dad bought me this car not really knowing that one day we’d have to take over the car payment. It was a blow to us. An emotional and frustrating toll. This is when Satan started to slowly invade our home. We were also hit with a lot of family stuff. I won’t go into any detail but let’s just say, none of it is healthy and non of it is encouraging. With family stuff developing and us having to take on a car payment we weren’t really expecting to receive, stuff with David’s ministry was evolving, and in a fantastic way. It was encouraging to see his band and business intertwine together for the first time. I love what he does but sometimes feelings can get the best of you and emotions can get hurt and most of all, it becomes a business, not a band. David was hit hard with band related things. So January was spent not really fixing our problems and not really discussing anything. Rather, it was spent in silence and tears. January was a depressing month.
February 2013: We are two-ish weeks into the month and things are not necessarily getting better. Satan has hurt us, rocked us, killed our spirits and made me very emotional and blunt with the fact that we are not in a good place. But why does Satan decide to attack now? Why when we were finally at a good place after such a dark and miserable fall? Why when things were looking up for us? Satan loves to attack when things are going well. For this instance. the band is doing amazing. This leaves David and I vulnerable. I am incredibly vulnerable. I am vulnerable to just about everything when it comes to Satan’s advances. It’s a dangerous thing when you want something so badly and Satan is stealing it from you. This last week has been refreshing but not a day goes by where I want this next week to already be over. Something sad is going to happen and my family is being rocked to the core. Satan loves and audience and this week, he’s going to get that. I want to love and pray for my enemies but believe me, it’s so hard being a Christian and listening to God’s teachings. It’s hard when your enemies are right there with you at church and despite everything, you are called to forgive them. I know that non of this will make sense to any of you, and to be honest, I’m not writing any of this for you.
It’s taken me months, no, this past year to comprehend everything that has happened in our short year of marriage. We were handed a pile of garbage when we first got married and it really hasn’t stopped since. Though every couple goes through seasons, I am extremely thankful for them. I know that God’s purpose and His path for us is so much clearer than what I’m experiencing now. But I hurt, so badly do I hurt. It’s hard writing any of this down because of how raw I’m feeling inside. It’s difficult expressing how I’m feeling to people because of how raw it all is. I don’t mean to sound depressing, but let’s face it, marriage is hard and being married and trying to invite God into it is even harder. I had a professor tell me it took him and his wife 11 years to finally be able to diligently pray together; they’ve been married for like 30 btw. Whoever says that marriage is a walk in the park is LYING! Seriously, it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Harder than moving and starting in a brand new place. I don’t want to make it sound like I’m mad at God for everything that is going on because I’m really not. I knew that something was going to happen because I knew that it was all too good to be true. I just know that I have to be patient and trust in Him. Despite everything going on, I have to trust Him and know that soon we will be out of this season. And believe me, I wake up every day praying for me to trust Him more.
So many times I just want to curl up in a ball and cry but I have to get up, face the day, and realize that his idea of perfect is so much better than mine. So here’s to the rest of February, with all of it’s punches as well.