So for Christmas my dad converted all of our old cassette videos into a dvd so we would be able to watch them. He gave them to each of us as a present. Now, last summer we watched these at my dad’s and let me tell you, those were the most emotional things I have ever seen. It had been years prior that I watched a few but was still too young to understand what was going on. But now, being 21, married and established with my life watching any ounce of my life on tape brings huge tears to my eyes. The kind of crying that makes your heart skip and beat and you get shortness of breath. Watching even before I was born, seeing my brothers grow and my parents interact and all the ins and outs of life just makes me such an emotional person. My parents filming first days of school, making Ben remember how many kids were in his class and him remembering, watching Christmas’ with the cousins, school programs, birthday’s, fights, and just the 5 of us goofing off and laughing. It’s just one of those things that I wish I could have one more day in Nebraska. To have one more day to experience all the innocence, all the love, all the carefree routines of my childhood. It’s the innocence that I miss, it’s the joys that a simple smile brings. It’s the unconditional love that my parents gave to us, and that they have never stopped giving to us. I was blessed with such a happy, and joyful childhood.
I hated moving, I hated what Florida did to my family. A lot of my friends down there don’t really know the extent of what really happened in my household. I felt like as soon as we moved to Florida, Satan entered our house and ripped it ever so slowly apart. And over the course of 10 years, destroyed my family. And over the course of 3 painful and tearful years. Years where each of us individually had to grow in our own ways, there was mending and glimmer of light and hope for our family. I can proudly say that now, I have an amazing relationship with my family. I have a relationship with my brothers that a lot of people don’t understand. I’m best friends with those guys and seeing them grow and become amazing men and amazing men of God from being such bickering, loud, annoying, hateful, cruel boys, from what I remember, is such a joy. I have watched them grow up. And even though I’m a baby of 5 and the only girl doesn’t change a thing. I rejoice and I praise God for the healing in my family.
It’s nice to look back on those days; when no one cared what you were wearing or what you were doing or how much money you had or if a sister got more presents than you. I was watching a video of Christmas 1995 in Nebraska, the year that my dad made a lot of our presents in our basement out of wood and other things. David got a train set and the other boys got other things. But I got a kitchen. This was the best thing in the world. There was a stove top, and an oven door and a curtain to hide all of my dishes. It was pink and white and had knobs for the stove top. There was such craftsmanship, such love was poured into that one simple thing. My dad knew how much fun I would have with it, and I did, until the day I got too old for it and it was stashed in the attic.
Fast foward to 2009, I went to Florida to move out of my house. And there from the attic was the kitchen my dad made for me. Do I keep it? Do I leave it there? Do I donate it? What do I do with it?…I cried for a day wrestling with the thought of letting down my dad and not keeping it. Knowing that he would have loved for me to give it to my daughter. I left it there, I left it in the garage along with other things that were to be donated. I pray that some little girl is getting as such enjoyment out of it as I did. It killed to tell my dad that I didn’t bring it with me. It hurt and I cried and he cried. I just, I miss my childhood. I miss not having to cry over that kind of stuff. I’m even crying while writing this.
Growing up is one of the hardest things we have to go through. I’m happy where I am but goodness, I’m married. I’m the only one of my sibling TO be married. My oldest brother just turned 27. It’s just weird thinking that when he turns 30, I’ll be 24. Growing up is weird. And when you look at your childhood and you look at yourself when you’re a few months old and then you look back at yourself, it’s easy to think “man, I wish it was like that.” But going back to that age meant having to go through my parents divorce again, and that it something I would not like to go through again. No thank you. There are perks for me right now. I’m married, I get to have a family. I get to go on family vacations and film birthdays and first day’s, and programs, and all that fun stuff. It’s my turn. My turn to be the mommy and David’s time to be the daddy. I am so excited for my future it’s not even funny. It’s just a little sliver of heaven in my opinion. We get to make a family and for that, I praise God.
